It's Thursday and I am nowhere near where I wanted to be by now. I had a list of groceries to buy, stuff to pack and it's all been thrown into a tailspin. Times like these I hate money. I have been waiting for a reimbursal check for a couple weeks now and it was supposed to be dropped off yesterday. No Dice. It's not for lack of funds, its from our Pack, and I've been holding the reciepts for over a month, some even longer. I hate having to beg for a check. Again with my dislike of money. I have to figure out some other way to do this in the future, if I had the money laying about it wouldnt be a problem, but of course its not that simple. Meh. I can't wait for the weekend because it will be past the point of trying to get ready and my stomach can calm down then. Maybe I need to go back to bed and sleep off the headache I woke with, start over the day, and it will all be better. LOL, or not, since the check still won't be here. Have I mentioned I hate money?

I have come to the conclusion that I need to give up and get rid of my personal ghosts/demons/skeletons. In doing some research on this, I have seen many suggest that writing out what happened to cause the unhappiness can begin the process of giving up the unhappiness that I carry with me. So, I am going to start doing that. I am going to write out what I remember of the past few years so that I can get out from under my shroud of sadness and feeling deserted. If you dont know me well you will probably want to skip reading my journal for a while or just delete me from your friends list, as most of the stuff I am putting down is not what one wants to read on a daily basis. Don't worry about offending me, it truly won't if you de-friend me (or whatever they call it).

I took my girls caroling last night. We had a cause for doing so, we were collecting food for the local food pantry, as many of the shelves there are bare. We spent almost two hours caroling in the rain while the roads and driveways turned to a sheet of ice. There were a couple of times I wondered if it was really worth all the effort. We kept slipping and falling on the ice as we went from house to house, sometimes being ignored, sometimes just being told flat out "no". As we went along, we were getting soaked and the snow on the ground was turning to ice too. My butt was sore from the falls I had taken and my feet were numb and burning with the freezing water that had snuck into my boots.

Two houses before we called it quits for the night, I had a glimpse into how we can touch someones life unintentionally. We stopped at a house that was much like all the rest, a simple ranch with a lit up tree in the window. The porch light was turned off and Di couldn't remember if this house had already turned us down when we delivered the fliers. I decided we might as well knock and see, so Em did. The light flicked on and the door opened slowly, revealing a very big and burly man in his thirties, wearing a cut off teeshirt, stud in his ear, and tattoos. My heart sank as he glared at us, but Em wasn't dissuaded by it, she launched into her speech about what we were doing and would he like to hear a carol and donate some food to the pantry.

I was amazed to see his face light up as he called to his wife in the kitchen, and asked her if she had heard what Em had said. She replied that yes she had and she definitely had something that they could give. So, we launched into singing a carol for him. I had chosen "I'll Be Home For Christmas". The girls had sang this one with me a couple times by this point and had picked up on how I stylized it. We sounded pretty darn good if I do say so myself. As we sang, I saw his cheeks slowly flush and then his eyes filled with tears as we sang the last few verses.

It's funny how things like that wrap around my heart and pull it tight. I don't know why the song touched him, but I know it did in a big way. I smiled back at him as I felt tears of my own forming. Then, his wife stepped out from behind him and handed us a big bag filled with cans and boxes of food for the pantry. I was stunned by how much they gave. We hadn't collected that much on one entire street, usually it was one or two cans. What a wonderful way to wrap up the evening.

I wonder if we can go caroling again soon - I didn't realize how much I miss singing.

Watching the media spin around the bailout request is nerve-wracking for me. My husband’s company is a die cast plant that services GM primarily. They have begun layoffs at his company closing down one of the two plants they own. The remaining plant that is open services GM primarily with a little bit of John Deere and occasional Paslode orders. Overall, I get the impression that without GM, his company will fail. It's hard to understand why everyone in the government was so hot to trot to make the 700 billion dollar bailout plan for the stock market and lenders but yet turns away from the industry that so many people depend on for jobs and income. Yes I understand conceptually where things were headed with the stocks and lending market so shaky, but do they not see that with the hundreds of thousands of people that will lose their jobs, the markets going to be headed back to that same place? Without my husband’s job we will most assuredly lose our house and our car that we have a loan on. With 5 children we cannot survive on one income and keep our house, it’s just not feasible.

We've been to credit counseling, and do you know what I have learned? We are the abnormality according to our government. We aren’t over-extended on our mortgage (We were ever so careful not to take the extra cash when we refinanced, stupid us!) and we don’t have thousands and thousands of dollars in credit card bills. We don’t spend more than the "national average" on food, clothing (I use resale shops *gasp*)and utilities, we spend next to nothing on frivolities, we don’t eat out, we don’t vacation abroad, we have no extra toys to boast or a cottage on the lake. There was nowhere that the credit counselor could suggest that we change stuff to trim out the extra expenses. We are already at rock bottom with 5 children to love and care for.

And, because we don’t have an over extended mortgage or tons of credit card bills, we can’t get any help. Why? Because we were not good about paying our mortgage every month on time (shit happens, kids have to go to the ER when they get really sick or hurt, cars break, etc..) so, there is no hope for us as homeowners. The hope for homeowners is for people that were perfect on their payments till the credit crunch hit. And you know what? That’s not the norm. That's not the people that are hurting and losing their houses. The ones that are losing their houses are families with kids and expenses that are unexpected and blindside them and make it so they are playing a balancing act to keep it all going. The reality is that more than just perfect people with bad luck need help too, the normal crappy credit people need help, and there are lots of them. More than anyone in the government wants to see or admit.

Now, don’t get me wrong, we are not poverty level - who the hell can live on that much anyways with 5 kids? But the reality is we make just enough to eek by without all this extra crap going wrong and our mortgage skyrocketing to 11.75%. Yeah, that was the one mistake made - we took an ARM and now we cannot get out of it, no one will take us. Not even the government is willing to help. The credit counselor’s suggestion? Let the house go, rent for a few years and then try to get a conventional mortgage. Quite a chilling suggestion from someone that was supposed to help us keep our house. Makes me feel like everything is really hopeless and I am failing to see the writing on the wall. I waver between anger, frustration, and despair. I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. All I see is the darkness of the businesses around us that are bankrupting and closing, the houses in my neighborhood that stand empty from foreclosure. I fear that GM will be the one thing that tips our scale to the breaking point of no return.

Do I hope that they will bail out GM, Ford and Chrysler? Hell yes. If they can bail out AIG 3 times over after all the shit that we saw them doing with their little party and overpaid execs, why can't they bail out the companies that employ our blue collar workers, the base of our financial foundation? What’s being asked for is a far cry from what was given to AIG if I recall correctly, so small in comparison. They think that letting the car companies go bankrupt is a great idea, why not just have everyone do that then? Let AIG go bankrupt, the board will fire all the overpaid execs and get new blood in and maybe fix some of what has screwed them up to begin with. It’s all just money anyways, right? Interestingly, bankruptcy cannot help my family either. So much for that idea.

Well, I shouldn't be suprised, but stupidass me, I am of course. I finally did it today, I completely ended a relationship with someone,not because its what I wanted but because I was given no other choice by them, and it is absolutely destroying me in the process. And after I did it I was told how I wouldn't ever be replaced, how precious I am etc... and you know what? It took less than 2 hours for that to change. Already has moved on to bigger and better things, openly looking and changed profiles, the whole 9 yards. Makes me feel so totally and completely empty, just a piece of ass that has lost its promise, so move on and find a new one. Why do I even try? I was so proud of myself for having the restraint to not go cutting afterwards, and what a total and complete waste of effort that was. Yeah, that would be one of my dirty little secrets, I cut. I don't do it all the time, in fact I try hard not to, but it is my one escape when my grief overcomes me and I want to die.

I got this link from a friend...

Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You - by Susan Forward

www.powells.com/biblio/2-9780060928971-3

Ever read it? I recommend it highly.

The first time I read it, I spotted things other people had done to me. The second time I read it, I spotted things I'd done to other people. The third time I read it, I really started UNDERSTANDING how to use the tools and compensatory strategies.

Show of hands - who's read it? Thoughts? Impressions?

(it's a fast read, by the way -- took me an afternoon)

Maybe... we were supposed to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that, when we finally meet the right person, we will know to be grateful for that gift.

Maybe... when the door of happiness closes, another opens; but, often times, we look so long at the closed door that we don't even see the new one which has been opened for us.

Maybe... it is true that we don't know what we have until we lose it, but it is also true that we don't know what we have been missing until it arrives.

Maybe... the happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make
the most of everything that comes along their way.

Maybe... the brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; after all, you can't go on successfully in life until you let go of your past mistakes, failures, and heartaches.

Maybe... you should dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go, be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you dream of, and want to do.

Maybe... there are moments in life when you miss someone -- a parent, a spouse, a friend, a child, your girlfriend/boyfriend -- so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real, so that once they are around you appreciate them more.

Maybe... the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

Maybe... you should always try to put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that something could hurt you, it probably will hurt the other person,too.

Maybe... you should do something nice for someone every single day, even if it is simply to leave them alone.

Maybe... giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back. Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart; but if it doesn't, be content that it grew in yours.

Maybe... happiness waits for all those who cry, all those who hurt, all those who have searched, and all those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of all the people who have touched their lives.

Maybe... you shouldn't go for looks; they can deceive; don't go for wealth; even that fades
away. Go for someone who makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one who makes your heart smile.

Maybe... you should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy.

Maybe... you should try to live your life to the fullest because when you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling, but when you die, you can be the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

Maybe... you could share this with those people who mean something to you, those who have touched your life, to those who can and do make you smile when you really need it, those who make you see the brighter side of things when you are really down, and all those whom you want to know that you appreciate them and their friendship.

Author Unknown

I am starting to feel like my journal here is my own personal venting tool. I really dislike using it for that, but there are some things I just cannot discuss, but need to release somehow. I do put down the happy stuff on my totsite that I set up for the baby. Seems repetitive to put that on both so I dont mix the two.

I am struggling horribly with keeping my mouth shut at the moment. I feel like an ex-friend is being really hypocritical, and the desire to point it out to her is almost overwhelming. I think mainly because she is presently doing exact thing that she listed as her reason for turning her back on me and my husband. When she was asked if she would be ok with an occasional text message to see how she was doing, she couldnt even be bothered to respond. Then, when asked a second time, her response was that she didnt think the question needed any response. Now, she's decided to start communicating again like nothing happened. WTF???

I hate feeling like I need to stay away from the places that she regularly visits so that I don't let my emotions take over. It just increases the feelings of being lonely, as there are people there that I was making friends with.

I am so hoping that its pregnancy hormones that make these feelings so painful. 60 days left and counting.

I hate seeing whats to come, and being unable to change it.
Hands tied, all I can do is watch
I don't know how to convey what I see in a way that would make any difference.
Paths are set already
I've started to wonder if seeing things is more of a curse than a gift.
My mind cries out that I should do something
Its too late though, they will do what they want, not seeing the ripples they create.
Ripples that cut and hurt.
There is no escaping them as they slap up against the other people involved, razor sharp.
Each wave eroding more.

I wonder at times like this if I will ever either A.) Learn how to be a friend that is worth the work of a long-term relationship or B.) find someone that understands me and wants to be my friend enough to handle my oddities.

I don't know what to say or do at this point. She's made quite clear to my husband that she has no interest in a long term relationship with us. Additionally, she's not said a word to me in days, so I am assuming she wants nothing to do with me at this point. I know that theres nothing I can do about it, but it still hurts.

I want to tell her how hard it was to watch her hurt herself, when we all knew it was a bad idea. I still am unsure what I was supposed to say when she would talk about how horrible she felt, tired, drained, and how much pain she was in. It absolutely killed me to have to sit with my hands tied, unable to do anything about it. She made the choice to turn her medical leave into a vacation, rather than resting and healing from the procedures. She knew that it was against what the doctor told her to do. What can I say when the first thing that comes to mind is; I knew that was going to happen just like she did, and what the hell do you want me to do about it?

I wonder if she will understand when her daughter puts her in the same position, by choosing to go thru a pregnancy that her doctor told her not to do and almost cost her life the last time. Will she get the calls and messages from her daughter about how sick and miserable she feels and not feel what I felt? She doesnt want her daugher to take the risk, much like we didnt want her to put herself thru all that she decided to do to herself.

She is upset because we said we understood why she chose to drive for 10 hours to go home a week earlier than planned. Yes, we understood why, she made the reasons quite clear - did we like it or agree? Hell no. But, what good would it have done to tell her that we thought it was a huge mistake and that it hurt us unbelievably to have her break the commitments made with us? What good would making it more difficult have done? She's the one who thanked us for not making it hard, and we sure as hell didnt do that for our own selfish reasons. I am always surprised by how unable people seem to be to see things from other peoples perspectives.

I guess I had too high of expectations - I thought that the feelings were mutual and that I was closer to her than just the occasional Hi or update on how miserable she felt. Once again I jumped too far too fast it seems. Well, at least I have been corrected. Now I have to figure out what to do about the leftover feelings of shittiness. I hate wondering if some of the stuff that was said was lipservice or I overread what the meanings were behind the words. I feel lost, grasping for answers I know will never come. And once again have a hole left behind in me from opening up. Maybe some day I will learn not to do that to myself?