The Ponderings of Duckette

It's Thursday

Thu, 09 Jul 2009 16:48:35 GMT

It's Thursday and I am nowhere near where I wanted to be by now. I had a list of groceries to buy, stuff to pack and it's all been thrown into a tailspin. Times like these I hate money. I have been waiting for a reimbursal check for a couple weeks now and it was supposed to be dropped off yesterday. No Dice. It's not for lack of funds, its from our Pack, and I've been holding the reciepts for over a month, some even longer. I hate having to beg for a check. Again with my dislike of money. I have to figure out some other way to do this in the future, if I had the money laying about it wouldnt be a problem, but of course its not that simple. Meh. I can't wait for the weekend because it will be past the point of trying to get ready and my stomach can calm down then. Maybe I need to go back to bed and sleep off the headache I woke with, start over the day, and it will all be better. LOL, or not, since the check still won't be here. Have I mentioned I hate money?

Exorcising the ghosts/demons/skeletons - where to begin.

Fri, 02 Jan 2009 22:06:18 GMT

I have come to the conclusion that I need to give up and get rid of my personal ghosts/demons/skeletons. In doing some research on this, I have seen many suggest that writing out what happened to cause the unhappiness can begin the process of giving up the unhappiness that I carry with me. So, I am going to start doing that. I am going to write out what I remember of the past few years so that I can get out from under my shroud of sadness and feeling deserted. If you dont know me well you will probably want to skip reading my journal for a while or just delete me from your friends list, as most of the stuff I am putting down is not what one wants to read on a daily basis. Don't worry about offending me, it truly won't if you de-friend me (or whatever they call it).

The things that tug at my heart...

Tue, 09 Dec 2008 21:58:38 GMT

I took my girls caroling last night. We had a cause for doing so, we were collecting food for the local food pantry, as many of the shelves there are bare. We spent almost two hours caroling in the rain while the roads and driveways turned to a sheet of ice. There were a couple of times I wondered if it was really worth all the effort. We kept slipping and falling on the ice as we went from house to house, sometimes being ignored, sometimes just being told flat out "no". As we went along, we were getting soaked and the snow on the ground was turning to ice too. My butt was sore from the falls I had taken and my feet were numb and burning with the freezing water that had snuck into my boots.

Two houses before we called it quits for the night, I had a glimpse into how we can touch someones life unintentionally. We stopped at a house that was much like all the rest, a simple ranch with a lit up tree in the window. The porch light was turned off and Di couldn't remember if this house had already turned us down when we delivered the fliers. I decided we might as well knock and see, so Em did. The light flicked on and the door opened slowly, revealing a very big and burly man in his thirties, wearing a cut off teeshirt, stud in his ear, and tattoos. My heart sank as he glared at us, but Em wasn't dissuaded by it, she launched into her speech about what we were doing and would he like to hear a carol and donate some food to the pantry.

I was amazed to see his face light up as he called to his wife in the kitchen, and asked her if she had heard what Em had said. She replied that yes she had and she definitely had something that they could give. So, we launched into singing a carol for him. I had chosen "I'll Be Home For Christmas". The girls had sang this one with me a couple times by this point and had picked up on how I stylized it. We sounded pretty darn good if I do say so myself. As we sang, I saw his cheeks slowly flush and then his eyes filled with tears as we sang the last few verses.

It's funny how things like that wrap around my heart and pull it tight. I don't know why the song touched him, but I know it did in a big way. I smiled back at him as I felt tears of my own forming. Then, his wife stepped out from behind him and handed us a big bag filled with cans and boxes of food for the pantry. I was stunned by how much they gave. We hadn't collected that much on one entire street, usually it was one or two cans. What a wonderful way to wrap up the evening.

I wonder if we can go caroling again soon - I didn't realize how much I miss singing.

Big 3 bailout

Thu, 20 Nov 2008 20:38:34 GMT

Watching the media spin around the bailout request is nerve-wracking for me. My husband’s company is a die cast plant that services GM primarily. They have begun layoffs at his company closing down one of the two plants they own. The remaining plant that is open services GM primarily with a little bit of John Deere and occasional Paslode orders. Overall, I get the impression that without GM, his company will fail. It's hard to understand why everyone in the government was so hot to trot to make the 700 billion dollar bailout plan for the stock market and lenders but yet turns away from the industry that so many people depend on for jobs and income. Yes I understand conceptually where things were headed with the stocks and lending market so shaky, but do they not see that with the hundreds of thousands of people that will lose their jobs, the markets going to be headed back to that same place? Without my husband’s job we will most assuredly lose our house and our car that we have a loan on. With 5 children we cannot survive on one income and keep our house, it’s just not feasible.

We've been to credit counseling, and do you know what I have learned? We are the abnormality according to our government. We aren’t over-extended on our mortgage (We were ever so careful not to take the extra cash when we refinanced, stupid us!) and we don’t have thousands and thousands of dollars in credit card bills. We don’t spend more than the "national average" on food, clothing (I use resale shops *gasp*)and utilities, we spend next to nothing on frivolities, we don’t eat out, we don’t vacation abroad, we have no extra toys to boast or a cottage on the lake. There was nowhere that the credit counselor could suggest that we change stuff to trim out the extra expenses. We are already at rock bottom with 5 children to love and care for.

And, because we don’t have an over extended mortgage or tons of credit card bills, we can’t get any help. Why? Because we were not good about paying our mortgage every month on time (shit happens, kids have to go to the ER when they get really sick or hurt, cars break, etc..) so, there is no hope for us as homeowners. The hope for homeowners is for people that were perfect on their payments till the credit crunch hit. And you know what? That’s not the norm. That's not the people that are hurting and losing their houses. The ones that are losing their houses are families with kids and expenses that are unexpected and blindside them and make it so they are playing a balancing act to keep it all going. The reality is that more than just perfect people with bad luck need help too, the normal crappy credit people need help, and there are lots of them. More than anyone in the government wants to see or admit.

Now, don’t get me wrong, we are not poverty level - who the hell can live on that much anyways with 5 kids? But the reality is we make just enough to eek by without all this extra crap going wrong and our mortgage skyrocketing to 11.75%. Yeah, that was the one mistake made - we took an ARM and now we cannot get out of it, no one will take us. Not even the government is willing to help. The credit counselor’s suggestion? Let the house go, rent for a few years and then try to get a conventional mortgage. Quite a chilling suggestion from someone that was supposed to help us keep our house. Makes me feel like everything is really hopeless and I am failing to see the writing on the wall. I waver between anger, frustration, and despair. I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. All I see is the darkness of the businesses around us that are bankrupting and closing, the houses in my neighborhood that stand empty from foreclosure. I fear that GM will be the one thing that tips our scale to the breaking point of no return.

Do I hope that they will bail out GM, Ford and Chrysler? Hell yes. If they can bail out AIG 3 times over after all the shit that we saw them doing with their little party and overpaid execs, why can't they bail out the companies that employ our blue collar workers, the base of our financial foundation? What’s being asked for is a far cry from what was given to AIG if I recall correctly, so small in comparison. They think that letting the car companies go bankrupt is a great idea, why not just have everyone do that then? Let AIG go bankrupt, the board will fire all the overpaid execs and get new blood in and maybe fix some of what has screwed them up to begin with. It’s all just money anyways, right? Interestingly, bankruptcy cannot help my family either. So much for that idea.

Wow, that didnt take long...

Wed, 15 Oct 2008 03:45:06 GMT

Well, I shouldn't be suprised, but stupidass me, I am of course. I finally did it today, I completely ended a relationship with someone,not because its what I wanted but because I was given no other choice by them, and it is absolutely destroying me in the process. And after I did it I was told how I wouldn't ever be replaced, how precious I am etc... and you know what? It took less than 2 hours for that to change. Already has moved on to bigger and better things, openly looking and changed profiles, the whole 9 yards. Makes me feel so totally and completely empty, just a piece of ass that has lost its promise, so move on and find a new one. Why do I even try? I was so proud of myself for having the restraint to not go cutting afterwards, and what a total and complete waste of effort that was. Yeah, that would be one of my dirty little secrets, I cut. I don't do it all the time, in fact I try hard not to, but it is my one escape when my grief overcomes me and I want to die.

Deep Reading...

Thu, 07 Aug 2008 04:48:37 GMT

I got this link from a friend...

Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You - by Susan Forward

www.powells.com/biblio/2-9780060928971-3

Ever read it? I recommend it highly.

The first time I read it, I spotted things other people had done to me. The second time I read it, I spotted things I'd done to other people. The third time I read it, I really started UNDERSTANDING how to use the tools and compensatory strategies.

Show of hands - who's read it? Thoughts? Impressions?

(it's a fast read, by the way -- took me an afternoon)

Maybe

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 02:55:51 GMT

Maybe... we were supposed to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that, when we finally meet the right person, we will know to be grateful for that gift.

Maybe... when the door of happiness closes, another opens; but, often times, we look so long at the closed door that we don't even see the new one which has been opened for us.

Maybe... it is true that we don't know what we have until we lose it, but it is also true that we don't know what we have been missing until it arrives.

Maybe... the happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make
the most of everything that comes along their way.

Maybe... the brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; after all, you can't go on successfully in life until you let go of your past mistakes, failures, and heartaches.

Maybe... you should dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go, be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you dream of, and want to do.

Maybe... there are moments in life when you miss someone -- a parent, a spouse, a friend, a child, your girlfriend/boyfriend -- so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real, so that once they are around you appreciate them more.

Maybe... the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

Maybe... you should always try to put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that something could hurt you, it probably will hurt the other person,too.

Maybe... you should do something nice for someone every single day, even if it is simply to leave them alone.

Maybe... giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back. Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart; but if it doesn't, be content that it grew in yours.

Maybe... happiness waits for all those who cry, all those who hurt, all those who have searched, and all those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of all the people who have touched their lives.

Maybe... you shouldn't go for looks; they can deceive; don't go for wealth; even that fades
away. Go for someone who makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one who makes your heart smile.

Maybe... you should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy.

Maybe... you should try to live your life to the fullest because when you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling, but when you die, you can be the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

Maybe... you could share this with those people who mean something to you, those who have touched your life, to those who can and do make you smile when you really need it, those who make you see the brighter side of things when you are really down, and all those whom you want to know that you appreciate them and their friendship.

Author Unknown

Venting again...

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 02:59:26 GMT

I am starting to feel like my journal here is my own personal venting tool. I really dislike using it for that, but there are some things I just cannot discuss, but need to release somehow. I do put down the happy stuff on my totsite that I set up for the baby. Seems repetitive to put that on both so I dont mix the two.

I am struggling horribly with keeping my mouth shut at the moment. I feel like an ex-friend is being really hypocritical, and the desire to point it out to her is almost overwhelming. I think mainly because she is presently doing exact thing that she listed as her reason for turning her back on me and my husband. When she was asked if she would be ok with an occasional text message to see how she was doing, she couldnt even be bothered to respond. Then, when asked a second time, her response was that she didnt think the question needed any response. Now, she's decided to start communicating again like nothing happened. WTF???

I hate feeling like I need to stay away from the places that she regularly visits so that I don't let my emotions take over. It just increases the feelings of being lonely, as there are people there that I was making friends with.

I am so hoping that its pregnancy hormones that make these feelings so painful. 60 days left and counting.

Frustration

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 22:36:48 GMT

I hate seeing whats to come, and being unable to change it.
Hands tied, all I can do is watch
I don't know how to convey what I see in a way that would make any difference.
Paths are set already
I've started to wonder if seeing things is more of a curse than a gift.
My mind cries out that I should do something
Its too late though, they will do what they want, not seeing the ripples they create.
Ripples that cut and hurt.
There is no escaping them as they slap up against the other people involved, razor sharp.
Each wave eroding more.

Sun, 20 Apr 2008 00:56:38 GMT

I wonder at times like this if I will ever either A.) Learn how to be a friend that is worth the work of a long-term relationship or B.) find someone that understands me and wants to be my friend enough to handle my oddities.

I don't know what to say or do at this point. She's made quite clear to my husband that she has no interest in a long term relationship with us. Additionally, she's not said a word to me in days, so I am assuming she wants nothing to do with me at this point. I know that theres nothing I can do about it, but it still hurts.

I want to tell her how hard it was to watch her hurt herself, when we all knew it was a bad idea. I still am unsure what I was supposed to say when she would talk about how horrible she felt, tired, drained, and how much pain she was in. It absolutely killed me to have to sit with my hands tied, unable to do anything about it. She made the choice to turn her medical leave into a vacation, rather than resting and healing from the procedures. She knew that it was against what the doctor told her to do. What can I say when the first thing that comes to mind is; I knew that was going to happen just like she did, and what the hell do you want me to do about it?

I wonder if she will understand when her daughter puts her in the same position, by choosing to go thru a pregnancy that her doctor told her not to do and almost cost her life the last time. Will she get the calls and messages from her daughter about how sick and miserable she feels and not feel what I felt? She doesnt want her daugher to take the risk, much like we didnt want her to put herself thru all that she decided to do to herself.

She is upset because we said we understood why she chose to drive for 10 hours to go home a week earlier than planned. Yes, we understood why, she made the reasons quite clear - did we like it or agree? Hell no. But, what good would it have done to tell her that we thought it was a huge mistake and that it hurt us unbelievably to have her break the commitments made with us? What good would making it more difficult have done? She's the one who thanked us for not making it hard, and we sure as hell didnt do that for our own selfish reasons. I am always surprised by how unable people seem to be to see things from other peoples perspectives.

I guess I had too high of expectations - I thought that the feelings were mutual and that I was closer to her than just the occasional Hi or update on how miserable she felt. Once again I jumped too far too fast it seems. Well, at least I have been corrected. Now I have to figure out what to do about the leftover feelings of shittiness. I hate wondering if some of the stuff that was said was lipservice or I overread what the meanings were behind the words. I feel lost, grasping for answers I know will never come. And once again have a hole left behind in me from opening up. Maybe some day I will learn not to do that to myself?

Tired

Fri, 04 Apr 2008 01:40:26 GMT

It's been a long day, and I find my emotions still a jumble. I wonder if it will take having the baby to settle down my heart and mind. I would like to blame it on pregnancy hormones, but who knows if it really is that. Maybe its just from the mess I make of things constantly. I seem to be all over the board of late - frustrated with myself for not being happier and whatnot. Feeling alone even when surrounded by people. Damn tired of being dizzy, it seems to be the themesong of my life right now. I want to be upbeat and positive, yet the means to do so elude me. The things in life that used to bring me happiness are gone, or just dont seem to have the same effect anymore. I hate being melancholy and on the verge of depression. I really do hope its just a temporary thing and in a few months it will all go away with the huge belly disappearing. Boy, the end June is a long way away.

Surgery Hell (Warning: descriptive)

Wed, 14 Mar 2007 16:21:46 GMT

Well, today was the big day. I finally went in and had my wisdom teeth removed. The consult I did last week was very promising, local was all I needed, and they would be easy, I would be back to normal in a day or two. The doctor I saw is the same one that popped out two of Robs in 5 minutes flat, and he was up and running by the next day. So in I went today with high hopes, only to have good old Murphy kick my ass.

The local anesthesia set in relatively quickly on my right side, the left still seemed rather awake, so I mentioned it thru a burble of spit to the doc. He nodded and said he would let it set a little longer and went to work on my lower right hand tooth. I knew I was in trouble when he started muttering and the two nurses grabbed my lower jaw and head about 10 minutes into him trying to rip it out. Then he got something that resembled a rotozip and cut the top of the tooth off, and then cracked the roots apart. He still couldnt get them to dislodge when pulling and twisting two handed with a pair of surgical pliers. So, he had to cut a flap of my gum off of the side of the tooth on the inside and outside. then he was able to get a grip and pull it out while the nurses pressed down on my lower jaw and head. 20 minutes later we had it out, in 4 pieces. Apparenty, the xray failed to display that I had 4 roots in my wisdom teeth, which based on the docs comments is rather uncommon.

He went onto the second one, quickly decided to use the same final method of cutting breaking and slicing as the first, but there was one little problem. I could feel him slicing the gum on the outside. So, he gave me two more shots and moved onto the lower one on the left side. I had the same issue there, two more shots, and he went to work on the top one on the left side. This one was extremely sensitive and I almost jumped out of the chair when he started cutting the gum. Four shots there, and back to the other side. None of the teeth were easy but he did manage to get them all. He had to do the same cutting breaking and slicing process for all my teeth. 20 shots and over an hour later I had a mouth packed full of gauze and three prescriptions.

Probably the most telling part of the day was when the doc got ready to walk out of the room he looked at me seeming sad and said I would have a rough 4 days. He also wants me back in a week to check the incisions, which wasnt part of the original plan.

I'm glad its over, hurt like hell, and am really sick of the taste of blood. Hopefully it will be better tomorrow.

Waiting...

Mon, 29 Jan 2007 06:38:41 GMT

Fear and sadness wrap themselves around me
Silent fears and anger grip my heart
Security and happiness I can no longer see
They are only a fleeting memory

I pray for the love and joy I felt before
Terrified I have ruined it all
My heart breaks; I’m not sure I can take it any more
Hurt and deceit gnawing at my soul

Self recrimination and doubts pour in
I brought this on myself
Why can’t I be what I was originally to him?
How can I change what I am?

I struggle to explain so he will understand why it hurts me
Why can’t he see it?
Round and round I go until I can’t even see
What the point was of even trying

I give up; resign myself to whatever he wants he can do
It’s not worth fighting over anymore
I cannot do anything to make it better, and its what he wants too
I will let stop expecting him to care about me.

As things settle down, the dust starts to clear
Amends and apologies are made
Hope rekindles and happiness attempts to replace the fear
I try to push the doubt away

Resignation of his trust forever lost as I see what he has now done
Promises will be broken again; now I won’t know till its too late
It is there in front of me, waiting, aimed at me like a gun
I wait for him to pull the trigger.

Heartbroken

Fri, 07 Jul 2006 05:25:08 GMT

Dreams Shattered

Nothing left inside

Soul Torn

Feeling as though I’ve died

Frozen heart

Not a tear left to cry

Endless aching

I can’t stop it, though I try

Trust destroyed

All the illusions I carried, gone

Sleeplessness

I sit alone till dawn

Desolate thoughts

Mind numbing pain from the knowledge I keep

Disconsolate inside

As my only escape, I pray for sleep

Random Thoughts from a Busy Mind...

Wed, 05 Apr 2006 08:07:43 GMT

Here I am... wide awake way past my bedtime. Sometimes I wish I had a switch to turn off my mind. LOL, then again it wouldn’t help with my stomach bothering me still. I had a fun day on Monday, it was my hubby’s birthday and I made him homemade ribs for it even though I was sick to my stomach. And we aren’t talking ribs with BBQ sauce from a bottle either. The glaze is made from scratch and is to die for!! The meat is always fall off the bone tender. I absolutely love the recipe.

I was singing to my kids the other night as I am apt to so that they will go to sleep when I want them to, instead of when they finally give up, when I realized just how much I miss singing. I was in choir, honors choir, musicals, and competed for over 8 years (not including music class in school). I had a really tough time coming to terms with a little bomb my mom dropped on me late last year. It was that I had been accepted to Concordia University with a scholarship for my Vocal skills, but my parents decided I wouldn’t be able to use it because I had a baby my senior year of high school. So, they tore up the letter and threw it away, never telling me. Why did she decide to tell me 10 years later? Beats the hell out of me. Good Catholic guilt? I really can’t say. All I do know is that she broke my heart. So, I am mostly past it, except for the desire to go back to taking vocal lessons or doing anything that will give me the chance to sing. I think that is an addiction I will never get rid of.

My kids are a constant source of amazement… They can frustrate me to the point of wanting to throttle them and then turn around and be so sweet it almost brings me to tears. They are all growing up so fast, and it seems that the older they get the faster time passes. Last week we did two ER visits, one at the beginning of the week when Collin decided to go tearing thru the house at full speed and fall hitting his cheek on the corner of my hope chest. He split it open good, lotsa blood, off to the ER for stitches or hopefully glue. Glue it was, with him promising to leave it alone till it came off on its own in about 10 days… HAH!! It was half off by the end of the next day and completely gone in three… So much for that promise. He wanted to have a manly scar anyways. Then Thursday we had David fall off his bike doing a U-turn at an ungodly speed. He landed on his hand and hurt his index finger badly… wasn’t sure if it was a break so I took him off to the ER. Not a break, but a real bad sprain with lots of bruising. Splinted him and sent him on his way with a copy of the X-Rays to show off at school.

My mind is still running at 100 miles an hour… I wish I could get it to slow down. We have friends coming out to visit in a few weeks and I am so totally thrilled. Rob is getting excited too which is awesome, since we seldom have friends over or do stuff with them, let alone have 4 days to hang out together. Now the hard part is getting the house cleaned up… I was working full time and on the weekends, and man did that screw up things at home. I am happy to say I am no longer doing the weekend thing and it is helping heaps. Had a close run in with a lightning strike on Sunday night driving… Was almost home and a bolt came down and hit the tree about 20 feet from me. Scared me and blinded me. My hairs were standing up on my arms, neck and head… I didn’t realize how close I was to it till Rob showed me it a little while later. The bark was blown off the tree trunk in a huge spiral pattern and there were spears of wood sticking out of the ground from where it blew several branches off of the tree. Thank goodness I have a guardian angel looking out for me. Well, I am going to wrap this up for now… Take care :)

~Nikki

Thank God it's almost Friday..... I think.....

Fri, 24 Mar 2006 06:16:58 GMT

Well, it's been a long long time since I last wrote... I am up with a stomachache so I figured I would try to distract myself from the impending nausea. Hmmm... so what's new with me? Well, my eldest son recently had a concert and totally impressed me with his solo that he sang. He did such an awesome job and that isn't just the mom in me coming out, as I have been a vocalist for as long as I can remember and am super critical when it comes to singing. The mom in me though, did have tears from being so unbelievably proud of him. My husband also recently agreed to take on the position of CubMaster for our Cubscout pack. For those of you who dont know what that is, he is in charge of a group of approximately 100 boys from 1st thru 5th grade, and he will be the MC for the monthly pack meetings that all the boys get together for. He is worried about it, but I know he is gonna be great at it.

I also recently went on a Snowball retreat. http://shermanhome.dyndns.org/gallery/v/Snowball2006/ Snowball is a youth group that emphasizes good decision making and communication. It is built on a wide variety of principles but the biggest thing to me as an adult counselor was seeing my group of kids (there were 11) who were from all walks of life and different schools all learning to trust each other and open up. The retreat is 3 days long and by the third day everyone was very close and felt that they could relate to each other. On the last day they did a very unique activity, Angels are Among Us. They had everyone including the adults sit on the floor of the great room spaced out so that people could easily walk between us. then they had all of us bow our heads and close our eyes. The Camp director then told us how there are angels among us. And that every child this weekend was gifted with at least one angel. She then had the adults stand up while the kids kept thier eyes closed, and she had us walk around and hug or touch the children that were special to us. She asked us to touch someone that was strong, someone that was brave, someone that we felt closer to, someone that we would miss, etc... Then she had us sit down and close our eyes again. She then had each small group of kids stand and do the same thing. I was absolutely amazed and the number of hugs I recieved, and even more so by knowing who it was without seeing them. The kids were so amazing. So anyways, it was a great weekend. I got some wonderful letters from the students that were there, and even some from the faculty. Can't wait till next year :)

The next really neat thing that happened was I got a letter in the mail from Girl Scouts. It was an invitation to an awards banquet in April where I will be presented with an award that somone nominated me for. I have no idea who or why, but it is really cool that someone would have thought that I deserved an award. Totally looking forward to that. Then last nite I stopped on the way home and made an impulse buy. Well, not exactly an impulse buy, but damn close to it. I stopped at a furniture outlet cause traffic wasnt moving and I had to use the bathroom after the 4 hour meeting I had just gotten out of. I popped in, used the bathroom and figured I would take a quick stroll thru the place since I was there. I found an absolutely stunning cherry wall entertainment unit. It was marked half off the original price. I called and talked to the hubby and he said if they would go lower to get it. I asked and the guy working said he couldnt go any lower. So, I left. Called back hubby and let him know that I was on my way home. Talked to him some more and wound up turning around and going back for it. But... I stopped and got cash ;) Went back in and talked to the woman that was in charge of the showroom. Asked her if there was any way they would discount it if I paid cash. She said she couldnt authorize it but that she would help me with it. Went and showed her it, talked to her for a while, told her about the kids, etc... She went back to the guy I talked to originally and they agreed to give me and extra 5% off. so I was talking to her while he calculated it and then she looked at him and asked him if he could do better than that for me. He agreed to 10% off! I was so tickled that she did that for me. Brought most of it home last nite and the rest hubby brought home tonite. It is so awesome!

Now if I could just shake the stomach problems. I got really agitated today and I am pretty sure that is what my problem is... I let it get to me. Now my ulcer is making me pay for not being more careful. Today was such an insane day though! Called tech support on a problem, and they broke it worse. This account is supposed to go live in 10 days and we are nowhere near ready. They know it is cause they are taking to long to finish the setup of core components like part numbers and customer information, but it doesnt make me feel better about blowing the deadline. Then I get a call from the school nurse because she wants him picked up, Hello??!? What part of I am in Racine Wisconsin do you not understand? I really wish she didnt assume I was a stay at home mom. I got done at the account late, software still broken, rush home as fast as I can thru the snow that decided to start falling, grab CJ, run to his concert, forget the tripod for the camcorder, con my parents into dropping it off for me, go back to the neighbors, grab the other two kids cause hubby and the eldest are at a Pack Meeting for cub scouts, go home and finally get to take some stomach meds. Oi vey, what a nite... well at least it is Friday now... except hubby is gone for the weekend, so I will be on my own till late Sunday nite. I am not looking forward to the lonely weekend, but I am looking forward to sleeping in and having some down time hopefully :) Or at least trying to catch up the laundry and do some cleaning (yuck).

Happy Friday!
~Nikki

Hump Day

Thu, 26 Jan 2006 06:10:48 GMT

Well, it is Wednesday already... Hard to believe the week is half over. I haven't had much time to talk to my friends online, which bumms me out. I was getting worried about a friend of mine from the UK... Hadn't heard anything from him for a week, but he is back and in one piece. Was on a trip to visit family, and that is all good. My other friend had surgery on her shoulder and is recovering well from what I can tell, which is awesome. Another friend is on the hunt for a job and I say a wish for him each day so that he will get a good one that he will be happy with. Kinda silly I know, but I find that the more you wish for something the closer you get to having it.

I am looking forward to this weekend and at the same time worrying over it. Hubby and I are getting to have a weekend away, no kids, in the Dells. I am really hoping that we don't screw up our finances completely by doing this, but I know that we need the time alone. We haven't done anything without our kids for fun and the first time we had ever been away without any of them was a few weekends ago for a photo shoot. We never took a honeymoon, so I am kinda viewing this trip like one. Hubby had me very surprised tonite - I had to got to a friends to teach her and while I was gone he started picking up the front room, putting stuff away, loaded and ran the dishwasher and then started working on laundry while we talked. It was nice just to help him fold the blankets and stuff while we talked. Seems like we spend so much time running and doing, we don't stop to just be together anymore. I worry cause he is still getting depressed and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do to help. I have to remember to just stop and be together with him more.

Aaron and Collin both took first place in their age levels for the Pinewood Derby. Now we get to go to Rockford for the district competition... Whee!! 4 hours standing around a mall with 4 kids :P Aaron also has another neat treat coming... He is one of two kids in his school that earned a Fire truck ride to school because of his Accelerated Reader points. He has earned almost 400 points. The school record is just over 600 points, and he really wants to break that record. I did an overnite sleepover with my Brownie scout troop this past weekend also. It was nice - close to home, 13 out of 20 girls showed up, so we had a busy time with them. Bad thing is my coleader moved in with her boyfriend in Chicago so I now have to get someone else to help me as a leader for the troop. I had one mom, but now she has another commitment, so I am back to trying to get someone who is willing to help me. I pray that the right person will say yes so that we can continue to have great meetings and trips. Well, it is waaay past my bedtime, so I am signing off. Nite all :)

~Nikki

A Quote for Thought...

Tue, 17 Jan 2006 15:27:48 GMT

Absence weakens mediocre passions and increases great ones, as the wind blows out candles and kindles fires.
--François de la Rochefoucauld

Happy New Year

Wed, 11 Jan 2006 09:34:26 GMT

Well, we are officially in a new year. I have yet to document my New Years resolutions, so I figure I will do it now.

1. I resolve to get my timesheets and expense reports done for work in a prompt fashion.
2. I resolve to go back to the gym and start losing weight and rebuilding muscle mass.
3. I resolve to organize my house so that it is easier to maintain, even if that means getting rid of unnecessary stuff.
4. I resolve to learn at least one new program this year.
5. I resolve to do a better job managing my time.

Thats all I can think of at the moment. Happy New Year

~Nikki

Mon, 28 Nov 2005 05:11:42 GMT

Christmas Emotions

Mon, 28 Nov 2005 05:07:35 GMT

I contemplate the upcoming holiday with a mixture of revulsion and anticipation.

Years of childlike joy and thrills are long forgotten.

Fear

The cost of Christmas weighs on my mind and drags down my spirit.

I struggle to find the good in all that Christmas has come to represent.

Hope

I look back and wonder if it was this way for my parents.

Carefully calculating what can be afforded for each person.

Shrewdness

I select gifts for each person on my list and place them in the cart.

Talking to the people in line, making them smile with stories of my family.

Reminisce

The cashier rings up my treasures, chatting idly with me as she works.

The total increases with each item scanned till the total is announced to me.

Queasiness

Driving my gifts home, I turn on the radio; Christmas songs float thru the air.

I am swept up in the joy and love that the season is meant to bring.

Happiness

I pull in the driveway and see my family, the glee and anticipation on their faces.

I let their love and caring envelope me, closing around me in their warm embraces.

This is Christmas

Redneck Computer Lingo

Fri, 18 Nov 2005 17:23:42 GMT

A Tribute to My Relatives In West Virginia...

Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter.
Log Off: Don't add no wood.
Monitor: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.
Mega Hertz: When yer not careful downloadin'.
Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin' too much firewood.
Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.
Hard Drive: Gettin' home in the winter season.
Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.
Windows: What to shut when it's below 15 below.
Screen: What 'cha need for the black fly season.
Byte: That's what the flies do.
Chip: What to munch on.
Micro Chip: What's left in the bottom of the bag.
Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred's around.
Modem: What 'cha did to the hay fields.
Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife.
Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.
Keyboard: Where ya hang your keys.
Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils
Mouse: Whats eats the horses grain.
Main Frame: Hold up the barn roof.
Port: Fancy wine.
Enter: C'mon in.
Random Access Memory: You can't remember whatcha' paid for that new rifle when your wife asks.

Just a Dumb Girl, Hoping to Avoid a Hat Trick

Thu, 17 Nov 2005 22:44:38 GMT

Well, folks, I did it again. Boy I am hoping it doesn’t take three before I finally get it right. I screwed up and made the mistake of cracking jokes about a close friend of mine that really upset them. I honestly didn’t think that they would be hurt; they have made similar remarks about themselves in the past. I just was stupid not to realize that it is different to hear it than to say it yourself. I guess it is like when I talk about being overweight. I may know that I am and say that I am, but if someone called me fat, I would be hurt. How stupid can I possibly be? I think I have gotten too much into the “zinging” that tends to happen and stopped thinking about what I say before I say it. I never wanted to be hurtful. But I was. My parents used to say stuff that was hurtful, without realizing it. My sister was always the beautiful one, the smart one, the athletic one. She looks just like mom, and I was just there. They joked how I was from the milkman, and it only served to make me feel more out of place. I know that they didn’t mean to hurt me, but sometimes it still did. And here I am repeating the cycle. I am not going to continue it though. I have apologized for being a jerk and an ass. I only can hope that they know how much I mean it and how truly sorry I am. I cherish their friendship and hope to keep it even though I do not deserve it.

Wed, 16 Nov 2005 14:22:24 GMT

I knew that yesterday was going to be rough (it pretty much started out that way as soon as I woke up) but I truly had no idea of the extent that it would go to. Last night I had my inability to cope with confrontation brought to light. Rather than say something about the situation, I have been ignoring it, hoping that it would go away. Now this wasn’t without reason. I saw several other people in the same situation; they ignored it, and eventually the issue stopped. I am not sure why it didn’t work for me. I have been told that some think I ask for it and therefore must deal with it. I wish I knew what it was I did to ask for it, I guess it might be because I always try to be nice to everyone, regardless of who they are.

As to my issues with conflict and confrontation, to sum it up in a nutshell; I grew up in a household where a lot of my memories are fighting, screaming and tears. I have not had that in my life since I moved out, and I came to realize after moving out that it was very unhealthy. I had health issues that tied back to the conflict and I didn’t start to have relief from them till I had lived on my own for a year. I guess you could say that the light turned on when I took my one year old son to visit with my family and within 15 minutes of being there, the screaming and fighting started. My stomach knotted, I got an instant headache and I wanted to throw up. I couldn’t stay there, so I packed him into his snowsuit and left. I couldn’t cope with the fighting, the hateful words, and the anger.

I know that I am probably considered weak in that aspect, but I am who I am. It may make me a weaker person, but I am proud that I did not repeat that cycle in my house with my children. I have no problem with disciplining them; I just don’t need to use hurtful words and screaming to do so. It is the same thing with my husband – when we have a disagreement it is without the yelling and mean words. **sigh** I always thought that not being confrontational was a good part of my personality. I wonder if I was deluding myself.

Tomorrow

Tue, 15 Nov 2005 20:01:47 GMT

Why can you build me up so high?

Higher than I ever knew I could go.

Why can you take that high away?

And drive me down so low

I wish I could control how I feel,

turn the darkness into light

I can fool myself in the brightness of day

But cannot drive it away at night

Why am I so weak, when all I want is to be strong?

How can I change what I cannot control or touch?

As I drift to sleep resolving tomorrow will be better

I hold you close to my heart, still loving you so much